Have you ever ...

Have you ever had one of those days where you just want to crawl in bed and pull the covers over your head? And while you're in bed, you want to have a half gallon of your favorite ice cream. Then, you'll get out of bed to take a shower and put on fresh pajamas and crawl back into bed. You get up long enough to find something sinfully bad to eat but so good to taste. You pop in that movie that you have wanted to watch but haven't put aside the time to watch it. You cut the ringer off the house phone and put the cell phone on silent.

Yeah, that's the kind of day I would like to have. Instead, I'm stuck at school teaching ... something I normally love. But, right now I just resent the fact that I'm trapped inside this building and not able to do what I want. I am tired. I am frustrated. I just want a "me" day.

Just Plain Tired

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. I'm not sure that's a good thing or a bad thing. The jury is out on that one. What I have realized is that I am tired of allowing people walk all over me. I am tired of being the one that always gives and rarely receives. I am tired of being angry. I am tired of being frustrated. I am tired of waiting. I am tired of being tired.

Now, the question becomes "What will I do about it?" That's the problem. I'm not sure. I am making progess in some areas, but in others I feel like I'm spinning my wheels. I am acknowledging my personal role in these issues. I have no problem taking responsibility for the part I have played in allowing things to get out of control.

So, what's next? I honestly do not know. I'm sure I'll be back here writing more in the next few weeks as I try to process what I'm working through. Right now I'm just trying to deal with it head on and not avoid the issues at hand.

I'm trying to take care of me right now. And, if that means that I have to be selfish ... oh well.

A New Day

The end of January is nearing and I realize that I have not even considered goals for 2009. I'm not sure I have been ready to even think about that before now. I have been in such a dark place that I hadn't wanted to think about the future. It was depressing to me. I'm still not sure that I have a clear picture of where I want to go in 2009, but I am in a better place and believe I can begin to think about 2009 in a more positive way.

I realize that I have some really good friends ... many of them I have met through going to scrapbooking crops and others through message boards. Then, I have my tried and true friends that I have met through work and others that I have known for years. What is amazing to me is the strength of character that so many of these women possess and display on a daily basis. They are strong on the inside and are able to let that strength shine through.

I am grateful for these friends ... particularly those that don't judge me when I rant and rave and struggle with some of the stupid people in my life. Instead, they tell me like it is, give me a hug, and let me know they understand how hard my struggle is and are there for me. Right now I can't handle harsh criticism. I break down in tears, which is unusual for me ... at least in this area of my life. I feel at a low that I haven't felt in a really long time.

But, this too shall pass. I will make it through by the grace of God and through the strength of those around me. I simply need to be strong enough to lean on them until I feel strong enough on my own.

So, to my friends ... in real life and virtual ... I love you and thank you.

A New Year

A good friend reminded me that I hadn't blogged in a while. She was right. I've avoided blogging, because I felt I was in such a bad place emotionally that I didn't want to burden people with my negativity and pain. Then, I re-read some of my earlier posts ... particularly my letter to Baby Virginia Ruth. I realized something at that moment.

This blog is mine. It's ultimately for me. It's not to entertain the general public. It's there to help me get things out, so my blood pressure doesn't stay up. It's there to help me sort things out, so I can make informed decisions about my life. It's there to share my thoughts with my friends, so they know where I am right now ... emotionally, mentally, and physically. It's there for me to have a showcase for my scrapping and photos.

So, for those that read my blog, I hope you'll stick with me through this rocky road I'm traveling right now. I need some help and my friend helped me realize that this may be the place to find it. My posting may be sporadic but know that my intention is to be back here on this blog. Know that I don't want you to feel that you have to comment or respond, but know that I do appreciate the comments. Even the simplest one gives me hope and smiles.

I think part of my problem is I don't like the templates for this blog, so I'm in the process of trying to learn how to modify and create my own. So, you might see a different look each time you visit ... at least until I feel I've found my style and niche. Anybody have ideas for a book I could get that will help me, please share!!!

I'll be back soon!!! Hugs to you all!

A brief check in

I just thought I'd write a brief note to give people an update. I'm doing better. It's been a hard week. There will be a Rite of Passage Ceremony for Virginia Ruth on August 23rd. I'll be able to see my friends then. I know I'll feel much better once I can hug my friends. It's been hard being on one side of the state while they're on the other side. But, I know it's important for them to have their time as well.

A special thanks to my good friend Aimeslee. She gave me an award and it really brought a smile to my face. Here's the award she gave me:



School starts soon and I'm far from where I hoped to be. I'm having a bout with depression right now and it's hard to motivate myself. Most of my friends have been so supportive and i love them for that. I just have to find a way to crawl out of the hole I've dug for myself.

I'll be back soon with some more upbeat news, I'm sure. But thank you to those friends that stick with me through the good and bad.

Back on Track

Hello all!
I'm sure many of you were wondering if I had dropped off the planet. I haven't. I didn't realize that life had taken control for this long. Here's a bulleted update of all that's been going on with me.

* I finished my spring grad course and got an A+. I was so pleased with the outcome of the course and when it was all said and done, it was well worth the work i put into it. I'm hoping to work with my professor on an article and maybe do some consulting work with her in the fall.

* Graduation went well. It about put me under the table while I was trying to manage the end of school, a new grad class, and problems with my summer program. It was a beautiful ceremony. It occurred on Friday, June 13th and, in true Friday the 13th form, the panic alarm went off in the building three different times prior to the ceremony. The IT director finally cut the wire to the alarm system. Apparently, someone had pushed panic buttons on three different floors and the system was confused to the point that the security company couldn't reset it. But, in the end, it was wonderful.

* My summer program was filled with problems from the beginning. In the middle of May at orientation I realized my point of contact had not been doing his job. The majority of the students had not been placed with mentors. I was a wreck, because this is the one part of my summer mentorship program of which I have no control. And, you know how much I hate to be out of control. I had to go over his head and just pray. In the end all of the kids have been placed. I'm midway through the program and all is going well. It's an excellent group of kids and I love having them here.

* I started a new online grad course toward the end of May. It was on special education. I love the online class process, but a summer school class was not what I should have been doing when I was consumed with so many other things. I pushed through it and finished it with an A+. I wasn't as pleased with the content and rigor of this course, but one more course off my checklist toward my supervision and administration endorsement.

That's about the bulk of the update. I'm still at my summer program and will be here till July 19th. Then I head to Charlottesville for a few days. I'll get to see Daughtry in an acoustic concert. I can't wait for that. Chris Daughtry is from Fluvanna county and does a concert in Charlottesville each year. I'm just glad we got tickets. At the end of July, I'll be headed to Camp Hill, PA for a four-day scrapbooking weekend. I can't wait for that. I'll get to see a lot of friends I only get to see once a year.

I hope everyone is doing well and I look forward to hearing from you.

I'd just like to give a couple of shout outs to a couple of friends:
* Congrats to Jill for making the callback to the Chatterbox design team.
* Congrats to Kate for her new business in Digg Deeper mini books kit club.
I wish you both the best of luck!!!!

You Make My Day Award

I thought I'd take the time to shoot some people an award:

I have been a lurker and reader of various blogs and want these individuals to know how much I enjoy reading and sharing in their lives and artwork.

So, I award the "You Make My Day" award to:

Aimeslee
Jill
Kate
Leah
Jane
Lainey
Michele & Lisa
Rosa
Staci
Virginia
The Pioneeer Woman

Each of you have made me smile and/or cry. Each of you has such a different voice and I appreciate each and every one of you. The courage you show in sharing your life and artwork with others gave me the inspiration to start my own blog and I thank you for that.

Have a great weekend!! Hugs!

What a weekend!

Well, Saturday was a whirlwind. I attended a bridal shower for one of my former students from the Class of 2003. Here's a picture of the bride-to-be and two of her bridesmaids, also students from her graduating class. It was a lot of fun catching up with the girls and seeing how happy the bride-to-be was with all of her gifts. I'm actually looking forward to attending this wedding (a lot of my friends understand that weddings are not my favorite thing to attend).

After the bridal shower, I went to a benefits gala at our school. It was a wonderful collection of artists from our school and the community.

Then, before I knew it, it was time to head back to school. This week marks the ending of my grad class this semester. I have an in-class exam ... something I haven't had since I was in undergrad, so I'm a bit antsy about this and will be glad when it's over.

Have a great week!

Remembering -- A Year Later

I spent a good part of April 16th re-reading the articles that were written right after the Virginia Tech shootings last year. One year later the feelings are still as raw as if the shootings happened yesterday. I couldn't bring myself to watch the ceremonies on-line. I could only watch the recaps on the news.

The one picture that immediately brought tears to my eyes was one related to the handgun protests being held in various cities. I was watching a Chicago news report when they showed 32 people lying on the ground. These people not only represented the victims from the Virginia Tech shootings but they also represented the 32 people that are killed each day from handguns. Talk about a powerful image.

I did read some of the news articles on the ceremonies from yesterday, and one thing is clear. The Hokie spirit will prevail regardless of the pain that we all still feel from last year's events. We have learned and we have grown from this experience. And, I can only hope we have learned enough to help prevent history from repeating itself. My thoughts and prayers are with all that have been affected by the April 16, 2007 shootings at Virginia Tech.

And, as all Hokies will say: LET'S GO HOKIES!!!!

Update

I just wanted you all to know I appreciate the well wishes and I did survive my dental appointment on the 14th. I got my wisdom tooth extracted. It is definitely not something I want to repeat anytime soon. I did not realize how deep my fear of dentists was until I went to the oral surgeon on Monday. My blood pressure went through the roof and my anxiety level was incredibly high. Thank goodness for nitrous oxide. The pain was minimal, but the anxiety was too much for me.

My friend Kim came to the oral surgeon to check on me and she was waiting for me when I got out of the office. She will never know how much that meant to me. I feel like a big baby but I was SOOO glad that Kim was there. I went home, took my pain meds, and went to bed.

The first evening was okay, but the second day was rough. The swelling hit about 3 a.m. and woke me up. I grabbed an ice pack and went back to bed. So, I spent the second day in and out of bed, on and off the ice pack. By evening, I was feeling more like my old self. I spent yesterday trying to get back in the swing of a regular day. I tried to use minimal pain meds, since I knew I would be returning to school on Thursday.

Now, I'm back at school. It looks like it was a pretty calm time while I was gone. It appears as if my students did what they were supposed to do. I'm sure there will be little problems I have to deal with along the way, but right now all is well.

Can I Fast Forward Time?

Okay, I am just tired. I am tired of drama. I am tired of not feeling well. I am tired of all the little trials and tribulations of daily life.

In addition to the work stuff I've been talking about, I hit a deer (or the rear end of a deer) the week before Spring Break. Luckily, no major body damage. It's fixed now, but I have lived in the country for about 12 years and have never hit a deer. Go less than six months with a new car and wham!!!! ARGHHH! On a positive note, loved the body shop I went to.

Then, I get my car back and about a week later, on my way home, a couple of rocks came out of nowhere and nicked my windshield. Can someone please tell me where the bulls-eye is on my car so I can wash it off????? I am so frustrated.

This past week, I discover I have a wisdom tooth that is broken. Not only is it broken but it is half gone. Friday afternoon, a pain shot through me like you wouldn't believe. Now, if you don't know me, you don't understand that this is a TRAUMATIC experience for me. I am TERRIFIED of dentists ... not the general "I don't like shots" phobia that people have with doctors. I have a FEAR of dentists ... to the point where my blood pressure shoots up and I feel as if I am going to break out into hives. But, I was in so much pain, I got my school secretary to call her dentist to get an emergency appointment. Unfortunately, not much he could do but refer me to the oral surgeon. He gave me pain killers and antibiotics to get through the weekend. I went to the oral surgeon today and he confirmed the tooth would have to be extracted. Then, he broke the news that my insurance would not pay for the sedative!!! Oh my goodness! Talk about being ready to break into tears. Then, he says that if he extracts all four of my wisdom teeth, the insurance will cover it. Uhhhh.... NO THANK YOU!!!! I am going to get the oral surgeon to use nitrous oxide and I will have to pay for it, but I know I will not be able to survive without some type of sedative. So, Monday at 2:15 pray for me. I am simply hoping not to go into a full-blown panic attack. Honestly, just talking about it now makes me nervous.

Okay, I feel better now. All of my demons are out of the closet. I hope that things will get better. That's why I felt the need to ask if I could fast forward time.

P.S. Aimeslee, you're the best. I really needed that "You make my day" award. You have to tell me how to put that image on my blog so I can award it to some others.

P.P.S. Jennifer, if you're reading this, I want you to know how much I miss and love you!!! Hugs to you!!!

Change is Hard

I am really struggling with a lot of issues right now, a lot of them related to my job. For my close friends, they probably are tired of hearing about the daily trials and tribulations. I have been in my current job since 1999, when our school first opened its doors. In those early days, we wore many hats ... teacher, counselor, administrator ... pretty much whatever was needed. Those days have gotten better, but the list of responsibilities is still quite long. We're a small school with limited funds, so we often have to do a great deal with few resources. I'm okay with that. I'm even good at that. I also love the fact I have grown my program and built it exactly the way I feel it should be run. I am starting to reap the benefits of the hard work.

But, I am soooo tired of dealing with people that don't seem to take their job seriously. I'm so tired of dealing with an assistant administrator that has no interpersonal skills, does not learn from mistakes, and passes the buck. I am tired of cleaning up messes. I am tired of throwing the life preserver. And, I am going to stop.

Now, the question is whether I have the energy to make the change in my own life. The question right now is whether I continue on my path to my administrative endorsement and try to gain an administrative position within my school. The downside of this possibility is taking the chance that are director will leave us in the hands of someone who is totally incompetent. I have general faith that he won't, but there are days when I'm not so sure.

Then, I have the job position opportunity that I posted about previously. It's scary. It's hard for me to make changes. I analyze. I analyze some more. I then over-analyze. Make a decision. Then, change my mind and go back through the process. All the while I am creating a major ball of stress in my stomach.

I know that change is good. Shoot. I'm an engineer and that is the foundation of what I do. It's just easier to apply it in other circumstances rather than something that is too close to home. I'm sure I will update my resumé and put in for the job. The sad part is that there is a part of me that hopes nothing comes of the application. I know that's the part of me that hates the thought of change.

I'll keep you all updated and let you know how things are going.

Lots to Chat About

Well, I was trying to be diligent in posting messages on my blog, and I did okay in the beginning. Then, life sort of took control and threw me some curve balls that left me struggling, trying to keep my head above water. Now I'm ready to get back in the game and see if I can keep on track.

I just got back to school yesterday after spring break. Spring break wasn't really what I had planned. I had hit a deer coming to school the week before spring break, so I had to get that damage fixed. Luckily, there was no major body damage and the deer kept right on going. I have lived in the country for over 12 years and have never hit a deer. I have a new car for less than six months and WHAM! Such is life.

I had planned to go to Charlottesville to visit friends and my godson. That didn't happen as planned thanks to the unexpected car repairs. And, as it turns out I ended up spending the first half of spring break in bed with a nasty sinus infection. It never fails that I get sick during winter and spring breaks. It's as if my body is telling me that it's okay to be sick since I'm not at school ... it can ruin my fun and free time, but heaven forbid I get sick while I'm at school.

Then, I spent time trying to get some things accomplished for my summer program. I went to the National Institute for Aerospace to help the project director select students for the summer NASA mentorship. I also went to the Virginia Institute of Marine Science to get the same information for the VIMS mentorship. We've picked an excellent group of kids, so I'm hopeful this summer will be extremely productive.

I did go visit some scrapping friends at a crop on Friday. It was so weird for me to just stop by, eat lunch, and leave. It was actually a bit depressing. I enjoy my crop weekends so much. But, on the bright side, I did get a Sizzix machine for $10. Mine had cracked and wasn't cutting chipboard as well as it had been. I have been looking for a replacement for a while with no luck. I also got to eat dinner with another friend before I came back home. All in all, it was a good day.

I did have my Evaluation of Instruction class during spring break. I enjoy the class and am learning quite a bit, but the workload is insane. Every time I turn around additional work (not on the syllabus) is added to our plates. I don't mind doing the work, but it's difficult to know what the professor wants when she doesn't provide us with a rubric or assignment sheet. All of the assignments are given orally. We also rarely get an exemplar against which we can compare our work. That's difficult, particularly since we don't always get timely feedback.

Oh, I forgot to mention that the Director of NIA printed an employment opportunity for me from their website. It's a Program Director's position for managing new educational TV programming that NIA is undertaking. These TV segments will be created for elementary, middle, and high school classrooms. It's an incredible position, but it's also scary to think about applying for such a high level job. I have to believe the Director believes I'm qualified, because I didn't even know about the job until I went to visit him on a totally unrelated topic. I am going to update my resumé and submit it for review. What's the worst that can happen? I don't get the job. Oh well. I don't have it now either.

I always believe things happen for a reason, so I am hoping this job opportunity has presented itself to me, if for no other reason, to show me that there is something else out there for me. I do want to stay in an educationally-based field, but I'm tired. I know it's time to move out of the classroom and on to a more administrative role. That's why I'm taking my endorsement level courses right now. And, if things work out as I've planned, I could potentially have my endorsement by Spring 2009. The question is whether I want to stay where I am or move on to other pastures. I'm going to have to take that one day at a time.

I am working like crazy at school. The end of the third quarter is right around the corner. I have grading to complete. I also am trying to keep my seniors from losing their minds. They're receiving their college acceptance (or rejection) letters and are starting to panic. So, they have been distracted. I have to keep them on track and what a challenge that is becoming. I also need to start planning graduation. June 13th will be here before I know it. Oh my.

Well, with all of that said, I need to sign off for now. I'm hoping to update more frequently and I do appreciate all of you that check in on me here at my blog. I look forward to chatting soon!!!

Hugs and have a great day!

Spring is Just Around the Corner

Spring is just around the corner and I absolutely can't wait. I am so happy that the sun is out when I get up in the morning and is still up when I get ready to come home from school. This winter was really hard on me with respect to the seasonal depression. I was working some longer hours at school and felt as if I never got to see sunlight. This weekend we "spring forward" and it will stay light longer. I can't wait. Soccer and tennis seasons have started at school and I'm hoping to make it to a few games and matches.

Spring break is just a couple of weeks away but it can't get here soon enough. Of course I'm already thinking about things I want to do and my calendar seems to be filling up more quickly than I need it to. We'll see what happens this week before I make my final plans for spring break. I may need to take a step back and just stay close to home and rest. I need to get a boost of energy to complete the school year.

I'm gearing up to start major planning for my summer program. I hate dealing with new people in housing at the university. I have to fight battles I have fought in previous years. Seems like a total waste of time. I have a lot of new people in the picture this year, so I need to make sure I stay on top of the details. The next couple of weeks are critical in planning. Then, things will lighten up a bit.

I think I understand why I dropped all extra-curricular activities in the past. I have so much on my plate in the classroom as well as the added administrative responsibilities I have that I have little time for these activities. I definitely need to reassess that for the fall.

Okay, I'm going to take a lead from one of my friends and make a "to do" list here. I'm hoping it might encourage me to get my rear in gear and take care of a lot of these activities that need to be completed.

I hope everyone is having a great day!!!

Happy Birthday Aimeslee!

I just wanted to wish my friend Aimeslee a HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!

Anyone ever ...

feel like they're going to jump out of their skin? Boy, the anxiety is hitting hard today. I'm not quite sure why, but I am jumpy and feel as if I am going to jump out of my skin. My hands are shaky and I'm seriously anxious.

The worst part of my feelings today is that I don't even know what has triggered them. I was fine when I got up and the anxiety has gotten worse throughout the day.

ARGHHHHH!!!! Why can't it be Friday?

Everyone keep positive thoughts for me!!!

What I've Been Up To

Well, it's been a crazy few weeks and I haven't been feeling great the last couple of days. Then, I started thinking about everything I've done in the last few weeks. I thought I'd just do a calendar review:

February 11 -- Job Fair
February 12 -- School
February 13 -- Job Fair
February 14 -- Engineering Curriculum Writing at VDOE
February 15 -- Engineering Curriculum Writing at VDOE

February 18 -- Teacher's Workday
February 19 -- Back to school and recovery from being out most of the prior week
February 20 -- School and chauffeur to friend shopping for French exchange program
February 21 -- School during day and class in evening
February 22 -- School and chauffeur to friend whose husband caught the flue and was in charge of the French exchange program
February 23 -- Back to school to help out with the French exchange welcome dinner (set up and dinner)
February 24 -- Back to school to watch "The Wiz"
February 25 -- School
February 26 -- School

Whew! No wonder I feel tired. It's been an emotionally draining time as well. I've tried to take some time for me, but it just doesn't seem to be working out. The positive thing is that the French exchange program is going well and everyone seems happy. So, I'm glad I could help out this past weekend.

I am looking forward to this weekend. I'm going to visit my godson and we're all going to a Cirque du Soleil show. My friends and I have decided to not do "birthday" and "Christmas" for us (the adults). We'll just find other events we want to attend and go. This is our first event of the year. I can't wait. I've been to one Cirque show before, but each one has a different theme. I can't wait to see how this one is.

I haven't had much time to scrap but I'm hoping that will change soon. My eye is on Spring Break at the end of March. I can't wait for some down time. I am making it my goal to complete my scrap room renovation and post a few pictures.

In case I don't get back to post this week, everyone have a good week and I'll chat with you soon!!!

Just a Quick Note

I feel as if it's been forever since I posted on my blog. When I started this endeavor, I wanted to make sure that I made it a priority. Unfortunately, I have allowed other things to get in the way. Sadly, I probably would have felt much better had I used my blog to air some of my feelings.

I have to say that I received a PM yesterday from a scrappin' friend and it was such a wonderful surprise. It made me smile, and I haven't done much of that lately. It made me realize how much my online friends mean to me. There are days that I get an email from a friend simply forwarding me a coupon from a craft store. Or, there are those days where someone will make a comment on a layout that I've posted somewhere. Each one of those moments is important to me.

So, while I don't have much time to write a lengthy post right now, I did feel it was important to let my online friends know how much they mean to me!!!

Hugs and love to you all!

Scrapping Disaster Part 2 & Other Stuff

Well, I have continued to work on organizing my scrapping room. It's really quite sad to see how much stuff I have that I haven't used. What's even sadder is that I haven't bought anything significant since August. But, I did see a glimmer of light yesterday. While trying to figure out the best way to organize my room, I decided to create my own solid cardstock rack out of the wired crate storage units. I accomplished my task and all (that I have found so far) of my 12x12 solid cardstock is organized in rainbow order. As I locate more of my solid cardstock I can simply add it to the rack.

What's great is that even though this is a small goal achieved, I feel great satisfaction. As I am putting all of one thing in a location, I am seeing progress in other parts of the room. I just have not been able to put a lot of time into this project yet. I know patience is a virtue and I will love the end result, but sometimes I wish I were a genie and could blink and have the project completed.

In addition to working on my scrapping room, I started a graduate class this past week. I am working toward getting my administration and supervision endorsement. I think I'm going to like the professor. She is demanding but she wants us to gain something from the class. I personally don't mind hard work if I'm going to see some positive results in the end. I just need to make sure I stay ahead of the curve with respect to my reading and writing assignments.

In the next couple of weeks I'll also start attending some recruitment fairs for our school. I'm the lead person in recruiting faculty for our school. I think I'll be going to three specific education fairs and then try to hit a few of the Career Services offices in other universities. The next six weeks is going to be absolutely, positively crazy.

I also got a good news email today. My new lens for my digital camera is on the road as we speak. I should be getting it Thursday. I absolutely can't wait. I've been using my 35 mm lens on my Nikon D40 and it works, but I don't have access to the automatic features the camera has. Plus, the Nikkor lens I'm getting has received rave reviews. I'll definitely start posting pictures once I get adjusted to my new lens.

Exams started today at school, so half days for students. I'm hoping to keep up with the exam grading, so I'll have little to do on Monday on our teacher workday. I need to get ahead of the curve with respect to a lot of work right now. So, I'll be checking in but I don't know that I'll get more than this one post done for the week.