Whew! I can breathe ...

Whew! I have had a rough couple of months. Between the class I am taking (and almost done with), work, my summer program, and issues with my goddaughter ... I feel like I have been gone forever. I have been under so much pressure that I haven't been able to even think about posting on my blog. But, I'm hoping to get back in the swing of things.

I'm working on some journaling exercises and am going to post some of those as we go through the next month or so. I'm looking forward to this project, because I have been trying to do this for a very long time.

Here's my first entry to my journal ... The ABCs of Me

A - advocate for children
B - blunt
C - caring
D - dedicated, dog-lover
E - engineer
F - friend
G - godmother
H - hardworking, hates housework, HOKIE
I - introvert, independent
J - just has no tolerance for stupid people
K - kindhearted
L - loyal, loving, lonely at times
M - misses having a significant other
N - not sure of my future career plans
O - overachiever, outspoken
P - puts others before myself
Q - quick to jump to my friends' and kids' defense
R - ready for change in my life
S - stressed, sensitive, stubborn, shy
T - teacher, tired, thoughtful
U - unsure of myself at times
V - voracious reader
W - waiting for that "right job"
X - eXtremely ready for a vacation
Y - yes, I love good food
Z - zealous

Have you ever ...

Have you ever had one of those days where you just want to crawl in bed and pull the covers over your head? And while you're in bed, you want to have a half gallon of your favorite ice cream. Then, you'll get out of bed to take a shower and put on fresh pajamas and crawl back into bed. You get up long enough to find something sinfully bad to eat but so good to taste. You pop in that movie that you have wanted to watch but haven't put aside the time to watch it. You cut the ringer off the house phone and put the cell phone on silent.

Yeah, that's the kind of day I would like to have. Instead, I'm stuck at school teaching ... something I normally love. But, right now I just resent the fact that I'm trapped inside this building and not able to do what I want. I am tired. I am frustrated. I just want a "me" day.

Just Plain Tired

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. I'm not sure that's a good thing or a bad thing. The jury is out on that one. What I have realized is that I am tired of allowing people walk all over me. I am tired of being the one that always gives and rarely receives. I am tired of being angry. I am tired of being frustrated. I am tired of waiting. I am tired of being tired.

Now, the question becomes "What will I do about it?" That's the problem. I'm not sure. I am making progess in some areas, but in others I feel like I'm spinning my wheels. I am acknowledging my personal role in these issues. I have no problem taking responsibility for the part I have played in allowing things to get out of control.

So, what's next? I honestly do not know. I'm sure I'll be back here writing more in the next few weeks as I try to process what I'm working through. Right now I'm just trying to deal with it head on and not avoid the issues at hand.

I'm trying to take care of me right now. And, if that means that I have to be selfish ... oh well.

A New Day

The end of January is nearing and I realize that I have not even considered goals for 2009. I'm not sure I have been ready to even think about that before now. I have been in such a dark place that I hadn't wanted to think about the future. It was depressing to me. I'm still not sure that I have a clear picture of where I want to go in 2009, but I am in a better place and believe I can begin to think about 2009 in a more positive way.

I realize that I have some really good friends ... many of them I have met through going to scrapbooking crops and others through message boards. Then, I have my tried and true friends that I have met through work and others that I have known for years. What is amazing to me is the strength of character that so many of these women possess and display on a daily basis. They are strong on the inside and are able to let that strength shine through.

I am grateful for these friends ... particularly those that don't judge me when I rant and rave and struggle with some of the stupid people in my life. Instead, they tell me like it is, give me a hug, and let me know they understand how hard my struggle is and are there for me. Right now I can't handle harsh criticism. I break down in tears, which is unusual for me ... at least in this area of my life. I feel at a low that I haven't felt in a really long time.

But, this too shall pass. I will make it through by the grace of God and through the strength of those around me. I simply need to be strong enough to lean on them until I feel strong enough on my own.

So, to my friends ... in real life and virtual ... I love you and thank you.