Have you ever ...

Have you ever had one of those days where you just want to crawl in bed and pull the covers over your head? And while you're in bed, you want to have a half gallon of your favorite ice cream. Then, you'll get out of bed to take a shower and put on fresh pajamas and crawl back into bed. You get up long enough to find something sinfully bad to eat but so good to taste. You pop in that movie that you have wanted to watch but haven't put aside the time to watch it. You cut the ringer off the house phone and put the cell phone on silent.

Yeah, that's the kind of day I would like to have. Instead, I'm stuck at school teaching ... something I normally love. But, right now I just resent the fact that I'm trapped inside this building and not able to do what I want. I am tired. I am frustrated. I just want a "me" day.

Just Plain Tired

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. I'm not sure that's a good thing or a bad thing. The jury is out on that one. What I have realized is that I am tired of allowing people walk all over me. I am tired of being the one that always gives and rarely receives. I am tired of being angry. I am tired of being frustrated. I am tired of waiting. I am tired of being tired.

Now, the question becomes "What will I do about it?" That's the problem. I'm not sure. I am making progess in some areas, but in others I feel like I'm spinning my wheels. I am acknowledging my personal role in these issues. I have no problem taking responsibility for the part I have played in allowing things to get out of control.

So, what's next? I honestly do not know. I'm sure I'll be back here writing more in the next few weeks as I try to process what I'm working through. Right now I'm just trying to deal with it head on and not avoid the issues at hand.

I'm trying to take care of me right now. And, if that means that I have to be selfish ... oh well.

A New Day

The end of January is nearing and I realize that I have not even considered goals for 2009. I'm not sure I have been ready to even think about that before now. I have been in such a dark place that I hadn't wanted to think about the future. It was depressing to me. I'm still not sure that I have a clear picture of where I want to go in 2009, but I am in a better place and believe I can begin to think about 2009 in a more positive way.

I realize that I have some really good friends ... many of them I have met through going to scrapbooking crops and others through message boards. Then, I have my tried and true friends that I have met through work and others that I have known for years. What is amazing to me is the strength of character that so many of these women possess and display on a daily basis. They are strong on the inside and are able to let that strength shine through.

I am grateful for these friends ... particularly those that don't judge me when I rant and rave and struggle with some of the stupid people in my life. Instead, they tell me like it is, give me a hug, and let me know they understand how hard my struggle is and are there for me. Right now I can't handle harsh criticism. I break down in tears, which is unusual for me ... at least in this area of my life. I feel at a low that I haven't felt in a really long time.

But, this too shall pass. I will make it through by the grace of God and through the strength of those around me. I simply need to be strong enough to lean on them until I feel strong enough on my own.

So, to my friends ... in real life and virtual ... I love you and thank you.

A New Year

A good friend reminded me that I hadn't blogged in a while. She was right. I've avoided blogging, because I felt I was in such a bad place emotionally that I didn't want to burden people with my negativity and pain. Then, I re-read some of my earlier posts ... particularly my letter to Baby Virginia Ruth. I realized something at that moment.

This blog is mine. It's ultimately for me. It's not to entertain the general public. It's there to help me get things out, so my blood pressure doesn't stay up. It's there to help me sort things out, so I can make informed decisions about my life. It's there to share my thoughts with my friends, so they know where I am right now ... emotionally, mentally, and physically. It's there for me to have a showcase for my scrapping and photos.

So, for those that read my blog, I hope you'll stick with me through this rocky road I'm traveling right now. I need some help and my friend helped me realize that this may be the place to find it. My posting may be sporadic but know that my intention is to be back here on this blog. Know that I don't want you to feel that you have to comment or respond, but know that I do appreciate the comments. Even the simplest one gives me hope and smiles.

I think part of my problem is I don't like the templates for this blog, so I'm in the process of trying to learn how to modify and create my own. So, you might see a different look each time you visit ... at least until I feel I've found my style and niche. Anybody have ideas for a book I could get that will help me, please share!!!

I'll be back soon!!! Hugs to you all!